18 December 2018

everything happens for a reason

To say that the last month or so, plus the last 2 years plus, have been difficult for me would be an understatement. Around the 7th of November, I got a tickle in my throat, which led to a full-blown cold. I'm still coughing and sneezing and no-one really knows why. My hard drive decided to die and my Macbook went unresponsive before a scheduled birthday trip to Britain, which led me to turn down an industry appointment I had coveted for years. The odd silver lining to all of this was that I was able to turn off and tune out during my 10 days in Glasgow and Sheffield. I saw this beautiful view stood on a pier in Luss on a sunny day on Loch Lomond; I understand sunny days like this are hard to find in Scotland in winter. I had a wonderful dinner in this wonderful place with three wonderful friends.

Upon returning to Washington, I reflected on everything that happened since the moment I took ill and came back to the phrase that I've stood by for as long as I can remember.

Everything happens for a reason.

In the bigger picture, I've changed jobs, and where I ended up wasn't much anything as I expected it to be. My elderly mother has progressively declined in health and QOL and with my brother conveniently out of the picture, I have, involuntarily, taken the brunt of the caretaking. The fatigue, aches, and pains that I've suffered with since my childhood have also gotten worse. About 3 years ago I described it to a doctor I've been seeing since the mid-Noughties that it was like someone flipped a light switch: suddenly I needed much more sleep than I previously did, and doing the simplest things started taking monumental effort. As I'm sure many of you know when you're in an immunocompromised or even an emotionally compromised state, sometimes you say to yourself, "why should I even bother?" and can't even get out of bed.

But I have gotten out of bed and tried to make this world a better place each day I am here. I have stood on my own two feet. Which probably sounds like an odd statement to most people but in the summer of 2005, I was wheelchair-bound for many weeks during a period of convalescence. Standing up on my own wasn't something I could do for myself.

I have always stood by the way that I write and express myself through words. If I'm physically incapable to sit up at my computer to do the writing and research on my own or my heart is not into it, I can't bring myself to do it. In my entire life, I've never seen the point of doing things halfway. Either you do it to the best of your ability and or don't bother at all. You were born to live and breathe and contribute something in this life. Don't dishonor that gift.

The take home message: Things at TGTF will change in 2019. I haven't come up with a game plan on what that will look like, but I hope to around the holidays and during some time to myself at home around New Year's.

To those of you who have supported me the last few years and indeed, even from the beginning when I took at TGTF, thank you. Your support means the world to me.