seven years on

I haven't written on here in ages but I felt compelled to write after finding something last night that stunned me, made me stop in my tracks, my heart feeling like it had dropped to the floor like a stone.

I was going through one of my journals from 2006 and found this entry from Tuesday, the 18th of July 2006. I *think* I know what it's about, but the more important thing is what it stands for (or stood for I guess, in past tense).

When you find something you wrote years ago, you may find strange solace that the younger version of yourself had gone through the same problems in life.

Or maybe it shouldn't be considered solace at all if you're still making the same mistakes and suffering the same terrible heartbreaks.

==

::sing-song voice:: "Hello, is anyone in there?"

::coffin creaks open:: "Yes, I've been taking a nap. A long nap." ::yawns::

"What have you been up to in there?"

::still yawning:: "Doing a lot of thinking. Mainly feeling sorry for myself."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Well..." ::stretches arms::

"It's not healthy. To wallow in self-pity, you know."

"But S. does it so well! And he writes so beautifully..."

"S.?!? you haven't seen his photograph lately, have you?"

"Noooo...why?"

"He's all...skinny. and pale. Like..."

"Oh no, is he on speed and X again?"

"Could be. You know he's been running around with Robs."

"Oh. Yeah. Forgot that. You know what I was doing the other day? Re-reading those stories I wrote. Like the one about him."

"My dear. That was years ago. But you were really in love with him, weren't you?"

"I was."

"Maybe you should take up writing again. Might be therapeutic for you."

"I'm one step ahead of you. I just put up a new thingy on that stories page, and more is to come. I need to write...I feel...broken. More broken than usual."

"Then why aren't you writing in your journal, sweetheart?"

"People don't want to read about your sorrow. Besides, I don't WANT to make people unhappy."

"So...?"

"So...while I've been beating myself over you-know-who, I've been crying on the outside and crying on the inside, and sometimes I can't tell which way's up. Why the hell do I feel this way? He doesn't feel anything for me anymore. He just wants to be 'friends'..."

"Because you cared for him so. Don't beat yourself up over him. He's not worth it."

"I just wish I was an unfeeling b**ch. With a heart of ice and stone. Then I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't feel this bad. It's been nearly 2 years you know. And the idiot has to come back into my life and hurt me all over again. I know he didn't mean to hurt me again, but just coming back and *pretending* everything was okay again was like pouring salt into the wound. He doesn't seem to understand why this is so difficult for me."

"I know, sweetie, I know. I hope things get better for you soon."

"So do I...it all starts with this..."

"What?"

"This is what I submitted to them today. I hope he responds..."

emancipation (from a ghost) and proclamation (of what to do afterwards)

I haven't posted in over a year and I feel really bad about that, but if you're wondering what I've been up since:

• I've been soldiering on with There Goes the Fear.
• I covered Great Escape 2012 alone (boo) and Liverpool Sound City 2012 (mostly alone but with John to run our hosted stage at the Liverpool Academy of Arts with our friends the Temper Trap, Clock Opera, and Dear Prudence).
• I started Music in Notes with encouragement from a friend.
• I went to Australia to cover the inaugural ARIA Week in November 2012; it so happened that was the same week as my birthday so I got to celebrate it at the famous Oxford Art Factory, a place I had seen so many times on Australian gig listings and band routings through Oz but assumed I would never visit.
• I covered SXSW 2013 (again, alone); however, I wasn't really alone as for the final 2 days I got to pal around with the exceedingly chivalrous Crookes, who made me laugh, smile, and forget that I was lonely, including me in a Friday night out that will be memorable for years to come.
• I was on holiday in Britain for 22 days in May, an absolutely glorious time (never again, unfortunately, unless I quit my job [hardly likely]).
• I covered Liverpool Sound City 2013 (with John and Martin, TGTF crew yay!) and Great Escape 2013 (with John, TGTF tag team, yay!) again; we are likely going again next year, just not sure who is going to which.
• I'm never mentioning the word Delphic again after an incident in Liverpool that shocked and upset me at the time but now I'm like meh, fine; bridges have been burnt.
• I visited Scotland for the first time (Glasgow - thumbs up; Edinburgh - thumbs down).
• I visited Newcastle for the first time (it's beautiful!) and got to meet Martin's family (super nice good people!).
• (thanks to an entirely last minute announcement) I visited Sheffield for the first time, and now I'm in love (in multiple senses of the word); probably not a good position for me to be in, but I'll let the chips fall where they may.
• I took it upon myself to organise a two music Web site-collaboration for the purpose of promo for the Crookes in London, when they played the Scala, their biggest London show to date (I've not seen the interview or session videos yet but I have every faith they will be fine); in the process I got to meet the lovely Heartbreaks from Morecambe and were touched by the Northern boys' warmness.
• I came back home, entirely unhappy to be back in America because I started missing England *immediately* after, which is a major problem considering my boss forbids me to leave the country again until 2014.
• I was asked by a friend to assist on, with my editing skills, a new project that makes me very nervous but I hope will bring us closer together as friends (we'll see).

I think that brings you up to speed? Below is a live video I filmed at the Crookes' show at the Scala on 21 May 2013. It's of the single 'Dance in Colour', which is absolutely beautiful.

I am really bad about not posting to this thing.

all I can say is that b/c I write so much for TGTF and This is Fake DIY, it's becoming increasingly less desirable to write about music on here, even about Lammo's Thursday Roundtable. although I regularly tune in without fail, I just want to listen to the tracks and let them sink in that said, I have some exciting things happening very soon:

• I am attending both the Great Escape and Liverpool Sound City as an official delegate
• TGTF will have a stage at Sound City that will feature the Temper Trap, Clock Opera and Dear Prudence on Friday 18 May and
• hell yeah, I'm finally having another holiday in England, although I'll really only have 5 days to myself (3 in London, though I'm planning a day trip to Cambridge, and 1 each in Brighton and in Liverpool, but those are really to get to the towns and check out the lay of the land before the festivals).

why don't I put a video up here today, one that you wouldn't expect? I wish people would stop banging on about how awful One Direction. I'm pleased that Duran Duran, not them, were chosen for the Olympics opening ceremony. that said, for what they are, and for the nice message of this song - girls, you are beautiful the way you are - I think they're a heck of a lot better than any misogynistic, foul-mouthed rapper. this is a pop song not trying to be anything else but a pop song. deal with it.'